Paleoanthropology Division
   Smithsonian Institute
   207 Pennsylvania Avenue
   Washington, DC 20078

   Dear Sir:

   Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 211-D, layer seven, next to the
   clothesline post. Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
   regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the
   presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you
   have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children,
   believes to be the Malibu Barbie. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
   analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your
   prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
   that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its
   modern origin:

   1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

   2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
   threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

   3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than
   it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
   This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
   history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going
   into too much detail, let us say that:

   A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

   B. Clams don't have teeth.

   It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon
   dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due
   to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our
   knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce
   wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
   Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the
   scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for
   the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name
   you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

   However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While
   it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great
   body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
   reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously
   submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next
   in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our
   nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to
   pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the
   trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile
   Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
   Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

   Yours in Science,
   Harvey Rowe
   Curator, Antiquities