Did you ever notice when you blow
in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody
going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac?
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,
she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and
bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language
but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy:
No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed
to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat
people.
Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always
easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday
and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said,
"Would you like some fries with
that?"
Jay Leno
I date this girl for two years --
and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting
the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf
is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight,
eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure
out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd
all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean
a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it
and put it on a hanger. Next morning
buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel